Religion-Science Philosophy articles series
Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow.
“A serious and good philosophical work
could be written consisting entirely of jokes”
About this Knol – Scope
The more I debate with others about philosophy the more we all loose touch with the most important thing: that we are all humans sharing the same thirst for knowledge, despite the philosophical assumptions each one of us believes! And the fun of discussing and debating can be easily spoiled if noone has humor. Self-sarcasm is the key to hapiness and I try to do some of it here! Jokes that are offensive to either the theists or the atheists (or agnostics? I don’t know…) do not belong here. I do my best to find and select only quality jokes from various sources in the Internet or from friends and readers. This site is constantly updated! Wittgenstein once said that you could write a whole philosophical thesis based on jokes and jokes only! Maybe he was right…Let’s see for ourselfs!!!
Joke 1 – Belief does not make genies exist
An atheist buys an ancient lamp at an auction, takes it home, and begins to polish it. Suddenly, a genie appears, and says, “I’ll grant you three wishes, Master.” The atheist says, “I wish I could believe in you.” The genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly the atheist believes in him. The atheist says, “Wow. I wish all atheists would believe this.” The genie snaps his fingers again, and suddenly atheists all over the world begin to believe in genies. “What about your third wish?” asks the genie. “Well,” says the atheist, “I wish for a billion dollars.” The genie snaps his fingers for a third time, but nothing happens. “What’s wrong?” asks the atheist. The genie shrugs and says, “Just because you believe in me, doesn’t necessarily mean that I really exist”
Joke 2 – The christian lady next door to the atheist
There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist. Every day, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her. He thought to himself, “She sure is crazy, praying all the time like that. Doesn’t she know there isn’t a God?”
Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and harass her, saying “Lady, why do you pray all the time? Don’t you know there is no God?” But she kept on praying.
One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was gonna do. As usual, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself, “Humph! I’ll fix her.”
He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang the door bell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do. When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and shouting everywhere! The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, “You ol’ crazy lady, God didn’t buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!” At hearing this, she broke out and started running down the street, shouting and praising the Lord.
When he finally caught her, he asked what her problem was. She said, “I knew the Lord would provide me with some groceries, but I didn’t know he was gonna make the devil pay for them!”
Joke 3 – The atheist and the Loch Ness monster
An atheist was rowing at the lake, when suddenly the Loch Ness monster attacked and grabbed him from his boat. He panicked and shouted “God help me!”, and suddenly, the monster and everything around him just stopped.
A voice from the heavens boomed “You say you dont believe in me, but now you are asking for my help?”
The atheist looked up and said: Well, ten seconds ago I didnt believe in the Loch Ness Monster either!
Joke 4 – Rabbi and atheist
A Rabbi was walking and a arrogant atheist approached him and declared “I am a atheist and free thinker”. To which the Rabbi repleyed “Do you think God Cares?”
Must be the wind
Joke 5 – The atheist in the psychiatrist
An atheist goes to a Christian psychiatrist, who hands her an inkblot and says, “Tell me what you see.” The atheist says, “I see Jesus on the cross.” The psychiatrist hands her a second inkblot, and says, “Now tell me what you see.” The atheist says, “I still see Jesus on the cross.” The psychiatrist hands her a third inkblot, and says, “What do you see now?” The atheist says, “It’s Jesus on the cross again.” The psychiatrist says, “Hmmm. Obviously you’ve got Jesus on the brain.” The atheist replies, “Me? I only read the captions you wrote”.
Joke 6 – Atheists and light bulb
How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won’t claim that god did it.
Joke 7 – There’s a Time and Place for Skepticism
During the Reign of Terror of the French Revolution, one morning’s executions began with three men: a rabbi, a Catholicpriest, and a rationalist skeptic.
The rabbi was marched up onto the platform first. There, facing the guillotine, he was asked if he had any last words. And the rabbi cried out, “I believe in the one and only true God, and He shall save me.” The executioner then positioned the rabbi below the blade, set the block above his neck, and pulled the cord to set the terrible instrument in motion. The heavy cleaver plunged downward, searing the air. But then, abruptly, it stopped with a crack just a few inches above the would-be victim’s neck. To which the rabbi said, “I told you so.”
“It’s a miracle!” gasped the crowd. And the executioner had to agree, letting the rabbi go.
Next in line was the priest. Asked for his final words, he declared, “I believe in Jesus Christ the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost who will rescue me in my hour of need.” The executioner then positioned this man beneath the blade. And he pulled the cord. Again the blade flew downward thump! creak! …stopping just short of its mark once more.
“Another miracle!” sighed the disappointed crowd. And the executioner for the second time had no choice but to let the condemned go free.
Now it was the skeptic’s turn. “What final words have you to say?” he was asked. But the skeptic didn’t hear. Staring intently at the ominous engine of death, he seemed lost. Not until the executioner poked him in the ribs and the question was asked again did he reply.
“Oh, I see your problem,” the skeptic said pointing. “You’ve got a blockage in the gear assembly, right there!”
Joke 8 – God will Provide
A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.
The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.
“So what are your plans?” the father asks the young man.
“I am a Torah scholar.” he replies.
“A Torah scholar. Hmmm,” the father says. “admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she’s accustomed to?”
“I will study,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”
“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks the father.
“I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “God will provide for us.”
“And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?”
“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiance. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, “How did it go, Honey?”
The father answers, “He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God!”
Joke 9 – On The Lighter Side
This joke by Emo Phillips was voted by a jury of American comedians as #44 out of the “Best 75 Jokes Ever” in GQ Magazine. To do it justice, imagine the two participants becoming increasingly enthusiastic and animated as the conversation progresses. — Richard Russell
I was walking across a bridge one day and I saw a man standing on a ledge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, “Stop! Don’t do it!”
“Why shouldn’t I?” he said.
“Well, there’s so much to live for.” “Like what?” “Well, are you religious?” He said yes. I said, “Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?” “Christian.” “Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?”
“Protestant.” “Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?”
“Baptist.” “Wow, me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?”
“Reformed Baptist Church of God.” “Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1789 or Reformed Baptist Church of God, 1915?”
He said, “Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915.”
I said, “Die, heretic scum!!” And pushed him off the bridge.
Joke 10 – The Bear and the Atheist
An atheist was walking through the woods one day, admiring all that evolution had created. Suddenly he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw an 8 foot grizzly bear beginning to charge toward him.
He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him Running faster yet, he looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding in his chest. He tried to run faster. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground.
As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him. The atheist cried…”GOD DAMN!…”
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from the sky.
“YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON’T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. NOW, YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU AND DAMN THIS BEAR? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A CHRISTIAN?”
The atheist looked directly into the light and said, “Why don’t you try and make the bear a Christian?”
“VERY WELL,” said the voice. The light went out. The river ran. The sounds of the forest resumed. … and the bear dropped down to his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: “Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive.”
Joke 11 – Rowing in the lake
A Jew, A Catholic, and an atheist are rowing in Lake Erie when their boat springs a huge leak. The Jew looks skyward, and says “Oh, Adonai, if you save me, I promise I’ll sail to Israel and spend the rest of my days trying to reclaim the land you gave us.” The Catholic looks skyward, and says, “Oh, Jesus, if you save me, I promise I’ll fly to the Vatican and spend the rest of my days singing your praises.” The atheist says, “Oh, guys, if you pass me that one life preserver, I promise I’ll swim to Cleveland.” “And how will you spend the rest of your days?” the Jew and the Catholic ask. “Well,” says the atheist, “I’m not sure, but I can tell you one thing: I’ll never go rowing with other atheists.”
Joke 12 – Shit happens
Taoism – Shit happens.
Buddhism – If shit happens, it’s not really shit.
Islam – If shit happens, it’s the will of Allah.
Protestantism – Shit happens because you don’t work hard enough.
Judaism – Why does this shit always happen to us?
Hinduism – This shit happened before.
Catholicism – Shit happens because you’re bad.
Hare Krishna – Shit happens rama rama.
T.V. Evangelism – Send more shit.
Atheism – No shit.
Jehova’s Witness – Knock knock, shit happens.
Hedonism – There’s nothing like a good shit happening.
Christian Science – Shit happens in your mind.
Agnosticism – Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn’t.
Rastafarianism – Let’s smoke this shit.
Existentialism – What is shit anyway?
Stoicism – This shit doesn’t bother me.
Joke 14 (skipped 13…) – Martinis before lunch
A minister, a priest, a rabbi, and an atheist meet in a bar at 10:00 a.m. The bartender asks the minister what he’ll have, and the minister orders a martini. The priest also orders a martini, as does the rabbi. When the bartender asks the atheist what he wants, the atheist says he’d like a cup of coffee. “Why aren’t you having a martini like those guys?” asks the bartender. “Oh,” says the atheist, “I don’t believe in martinis before lunch.”
Joke 15 – The lying boys
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he went over and asked them what they were doing. One of the boys replied, “This dog is an old neighborhood stray. We take him home with us sometimes, but only one of us can take him home. So we’re having a contest: whichever one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today.”
Of course, the Reverend was shocked. “You boys shouldn’t be having a contest telling lies!” he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, “Don’t you boys know it’s a sin to lie?” and ending with, “Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie.”
There was complete silence for about a minute. As the Reverend smiled with satisfaction that he’d gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh. “All right,” he said, “give him the dog.”
Joke 16 – Because he does not bother me!
A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. However, the atheist’s life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man’s job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn’t give him the time of the day. So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked:”Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn’t even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this? “And a great voice was heard from above: “BECAUSE HE DOESN’T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!”
Joke 17 – He cannot swim
The Pope took a philosophy professor (an atheist at that) out fishing on a large lake. As they drifted on the still lake, the philosopher accidentally dropped an oar and watched it float away. The pontiff stepped out of the boat, walked across the water to the oar, grabbed it and walked back to the boat. The next day at the university, a colleague asked the philosopher if he had enjoyed fishing with the Pope. “It was okay, but would you believe that guy can’t swim?
Joke 18 – Orgasm problems…
What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm.
Joke 19 – Now you are!
An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself “Oh God, I’m screwed!!!!!. ” There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: “No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you. ” So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: “Okay . . . . . NOW you’re screwed.
Joke 20 – Watch, bird… Not!
Q.Why did the atheist throw her watch out of the window?
A.She wanted to see if it was designed intelligently enough to evolve into a bird.
Joke 21 – The fly and the soup
Atheist: What’s this fly doing in my soup?
Atheist: Very funny. I can’t eat this. Take it back.
Waiter: You see? The fly’s prayers were answered.
Joke 22 – Dawkins and the fridge
Q.How can you tell if an atheist lives in your refrigerator?
A.You find a copy of The God Delusion hidden in the cream cheese.
Joke 23 – Atheists and Christians
Q. Why do Atheists make fun of Christians?
A. Because they BELIEVE they are idiots!
Joke 24 – An Atheist, Zeus, Thor and God
An Atheist walked into a bar with God, Thor and Zeus,
The barman turned to serve him and said,
“Drinking alone again I see…”
Joke 25 – Christian, Atheist and the guillotine
A Christian, a Jew, and an atheist are standing in line to be executed during the French Revolution.
The Christian is first, and he lays down on the guillotine. Before the executioner pulls the lever he shouts, “My god will save me!”. The lever is pulled, and the blade swooshes down, stopping just short of his neck. The executioner, believing a miracle has occurred, figures he can’t kill this man, as so sets him free.
The Jew lays down on the guillotine. Like the christian, he shouts, “My god will save me!”. The lever is pulled, the blade falls, and once again it stops just short of his neck. The executioner, again, believes God is on this man’s side, and lets him go.
Finally, the atheist lays down on the guillotine. He examines the guillotine, finds a rock in the gears, and says to the executioner, “Well here’s your problem…”
Joke 26 – Orangutan and the Bible
One day the zoo keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books, “On the Origin of Species” and the Bible.
Surprised, he asked the orangutan “why are you reading both those books?”
“Well”, said the orangutan. “I just wanted to know if I was my brother’s keeper or my keeper’s brother”.
Joke 27 – Apes, the Typewriter and Shakespeare [real life joke]
A programmer tried to resurrect the famous experiment of Typewriting Monkeys. The logic is known: all the faithful followers of “Randomness” argue that a group of monkeys who randomly click the keys of a typewriter can eventually create all the works of Shakespeare! But in order to do this he cheated: he did not use actual monkeys but virtual ones (i.e. computer programs). These programs guessed random words and when they found a series of 9 characters which actually existed in the works of Shakespeare, they stored these 9 characters in their memory and went on to find the next ones. The conditions of the experiment have of course nothing to do with monkeys writing down random characters (without any kind of memory to store sets of characters they find, since they do not know their final goal and can never know if they have guessed correctly)… If the experiment was conducted under terms of actual randomness, the programmer himself admits that all the works of Shakespeare would need more time than the age of the universe to be created by pure luck! And if you put real (not virtual) monkeys, then the joke becomes apparent: once scientists tried to do the same experiment by putting a typewriter in a cage with real monkeys. Monkeys began beating the typewriter, resulting after hours in the creation of a single typed page which contained mainly the letter “S”. Then the apes were frustrated and broke the typewriter, urinated and defecated on it! The “miracle” the dogmatically blind followers of Randomness (e.g. Dawkins, Huxley etc) are waiting to see will probably not come… Perhaps finally randomness is not so powerful to create Shakespeare (let alone Consciousness or the Universe itself) …
Joke 28 – Atheists rioting…
“15,000 Atheists in London rioted after a blank sheet of paper was found on a cartoonist’s desk” (if you don’t get it, remember the Muhammad cartoons where Muslims rioted)
Joke 29 – The bet
A man enters a bar and sits next to a Baptist.
Man: “See that man on TV, standing on the ledge?”
Man: “He’s going to jump”
Baptist: “No, he’s not. Pray with me”
Man: “Okay, but let’s bet, just to make it interesting. Here’s twenty”
Baptist: “You’re on. Jesus will save him.” Puts down his money. “Now let’s pray”
The guy on TV takes a dive.
Baptist: “Well, a bet’s a bet. Here.” Shoves his money down the bar.
Man: “I can’t take your money. I’ve got to tell you; I saw this news program earlier”
Baptist: “Yeah, I saw it too, but I thought we could save him this time”
Joke 30 – Agnostic joins the KKK
Q: What happens when an agnostic joins the KKK?
A: He burns question marks in peoples’ front yard.
Joke 31 – Atheists and exponential equations
Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations? Because they don’t believe in higher powers.
Joke 32 – Heaven and Cristians alone…
An Atheist dies and, to his surprise, finds himself met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter reviews the man’s record and tells him, “Well, even though you didn’t believe in any deities, you led a good, moral life. It is especially good that you did so without expecting any eternal reward. So we are going to let you into Heaven.” St. Peter then assigns an angel to take the Atheist on an indoctrination tour. During the tour, the Atheist sees Buddhists, Hindus, Muslims, other Atheists, and people of all religions. He also notices a high wall in a far corner of Heaven. When the tour ends, the angel asks him if he has any questions. The man asks, “What’s behind the high wall in the corner?” The angel replies, “That’s where we put the Christians. They think they’re the only people up here”
Joke 33 – Winning the lottery
This guy needs to win the lottery really badly he thinks it will help get his life on track, so he kneels down to pray. He says “God if you let me win the lottery I will pay my tithe every year and never complain about it.” He doesn’t win.
The next week he gets down on his knees again and says,”God if you just let me win the lottery I will give my tithe and then some to the church and help the local orphans find good loving homes.”
He doesn’t win again.
The next week he again prays and says,”God I will pay for a modest home and a gently used car and give all the rest to good charities in your name and the church if you just let me win the lottery.”
Yet again, he doesn’t win.
Finally the next week he is so mad and he prays,”God what do you want from me? I don’t know what else to promise. Why can’t I win the lottery.” Suddenly a big booming voice comes from the heavens and says, “Would you buy a fucking ticket already, please!”
Joke 34 – Schizophrenic Zen Buddhist
Q: How do you describe a schizophrenic Zen Buddhist?
A: A man who is at two with the universe
Joke 35 – The buddhist and the hotdog
What did a Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.
The hot dog vendor prepares the hot dog and gives it to the monk. The monk pays him and asks for the change. The hot dog vendor says: “Change comes from within”.
Joke 36 – The angry atheist
The story is told of the Atheist who accosted a preacher. “Do you believe in eternal life?” The preacher has no time to reply. “Well its a load of rubbish!” shouted the Atheist. “I believe in science, evolution, survival of the fittest, and when we die, that’s it! No eternal life, no great judgement, and no God!” The Atheist continues his assault against the preacher repetitiously and tirelessly. “Eternal life! Eternal life! Ha! “Its all pie in the sky when you die.” When I die that’s it, the end, no eternal life, no nothing. He continues, until he reaches his climax, “I will be buried six feet under when I die and that’s it! Nothing! Caput! When I die I am utterly convinced that that will be the end of me!” “Well thank God for that” replies the preacher!
Joke(s) 37 – Religious Lightbulb Jokes
How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb? One, since his/her hands are in the air anyway.
How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb? There’s no evidence to support the assertion that atheist change light bulbs.
Joke 38 – Rowing to Cleveland
A Jew, A Catholic, and an atheist are rowing in Lake Erie when their boat springs a huge leak. The Jew looks skyward, and says “Oh, Adonai, if you save me, I promise I’ll sail to Israel and spend the rest of my days trying to reclaim the land you gave us”. The Catholic looks skyward, and says, “Oh, Jesus, if you save me, I promise I’ll fly to the Vatican and spend the rest of my days singing your praises”. The atheist says, “Oh, guys, if you pass me that one life preserver, I promise I’ll swim to Cleveland”. “And how will you spend the rest of your days?” the Jew and the Catholic ask. “Well,” says the atheist, “I’m not sure, but I can tell you one thing: I’ll never go rowing with other atheists”…
Joke 39 – Atheist bar assumption
An atheist walked into a bar, but seeing no bartender he revised his initial assumption and decided he only walked into a room…
Joke 40 – Jesus vs. Satan contest
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally, God said, “Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will take two hours, and I will judge who does the better job”.
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They generated web pages. They prepared faxes. They wrote e-mails. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known computer job.
But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers.
Satan started searching frantically screaming, “It’s gone! It’s all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!”
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the past two hours.
Satan observed this and became even more irate.
“Wait! He cheated! How did he do it??!!”
God shrugged and said, “Jesus Saves”
Joke 41 – Bar?
An atheist walked into the bar, wait… bar? What bar? There are no bars.
Joke 42 – Christian Science Healing
A leader in a Christian Science church was talking to a member of his congregation: “And how is your husband today?” “I’m afraid he’s very ill”. “No, no,” corrected the leader, “You really shouldn’t say that – you should say that he’s under the impression that he’s very ill”. The woman nods in agreement, “Yes, I’ll remember next time”. A few weeks later the leader saw the woman again. “And how is your husband at the moment?” “Well”, she replied, “he’s under the impression that he’s dead!”
Joke 43 – Nietzche and graffiti
A poster read: “God is dead” – Nietzche. The graffiti underneath read: “Nietzche is dead” – God.
Joke 44 – Church and garage
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.
Joke 45 – Last words of Jesus
Jesus is on the cross. Mary and Peter are at the foot of the cross, when Jesus looks down, and says, “Peter…I aigfisrianbjna…” Mary turns to Peter, and says, “Peter, we must have the Lord’s last words!” So, Peter climbs up and is at Jesus’ feet, and asks him to repeat what he just said.
Jesus mumbles, “Peter…I mwamwamha…” Frustrated, Peter climbs higher to Jesus’s chest, and again ask Jesus to repeat what he said. Again, Jesus tries to speak, “Peter, I mwamwawmwam….”
Peter, intent on having Jesus’ last words for posterity, climbs all the way up, and presses his ear against Jesus’ mouth, and says, “Please, our Lord and savior, tell me again what you are trying to say!”
Jesus leans in, his lips on Peter’s ear, and whispers, “Peter, I can see your house from here”.
My source for these jokes is the Internet and the comments I get from readers. I just search for jokes with various search engines and re-post them here. My only contribution is selecting the most quality jokes so as to make a good-quality collection. The point is to have jokes that make fun of the most important aspects of religion and atheism in a way that great messages are conveyed. I am not a joke manufacturer myself.